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Thu, Jul. 5th, 2007, 01:11 am

Ok, so I've been drinking and browsing match.com. I know, I know. But, bear with me...

Here's a few quotes from peoples' profiles and their real-world translations.

- "I am certainly trustworthy." Classic case of 'don't run if nobody is chasing you'. This translates to: "I will borrow your credit card to buy a dress which I will wear when trying to get your best mates into bed."

- "Talkative giggler, lively, bubbly girl who has the dirtiest laugh going." Basildon.

- "im like a lite switch." There were six spelling mistakes in this 45 word description. Translation: "Broken."

- "Princess [anything]." This nearly always screams high maintenance, shallow and image only. Often lacking intelligence. Observe Princess Mel: "im mel, i av blonde hair n brown eyes ... im looking for sum1 who dont lie or cheat." Translation: "I would like an English tutor."

- "i am an absoloute nutter a crazy bitch no one can handle me coz im so hyperactive." Translation: "I appear very outgoing and excitable. Once I work through some of my psychological problems which leave me feeling misunderstood and alone, I would be a good partner."

- "muse are amazing live! yeah i went to go see them at wembely arena." Translation: "I am looking for a man called Matthew. If his surname is Bellamy, it's a plus."

- "i drive buses for a living." PHWOAR!

- "We would meet by accident he would sweep me of my feet." Translation: "I don't understand what this website does but I like writing about myself in textboxes."

- "Iwant him to be a calm person /have a car." Translation: "I need to borrow a car. I am happy to steal one from a potential partner but must ensure they won't get violent when I do."

- "Im a glamour model from essex, i love being naked at all times." Translation: "My name is Dave, I'm an overweight trucker from Romford. Please call my mobile when you visit rather than ringing the bell so I know it's not the police again."

I hope you've enjoyed this voyage into the wonderful world of on-line dating. It would appear the key to attracting one of these Internet hotties is illiteracy, lack of intelligence and, of course, a car.

Sun, Jun. 17th, 2007, 06:23 pm


http://www.perceptivepixel.com/ (play the video)

MS have one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DasPNFrP24) which they're looking to bring out sometime this year.

Basic idea is you use IR along the edge of the glass and detect the scattered light from fingers / objects on the surface using a camera behind. You also line the back of the glass with a diffuser and back-project onto it.

I've also seen it done using normal cameras for object and 'tag' (barcode) recognition (but then you've got problems with what you can project). Add an RFID reader for good measure and you've got yourself a convoy.

Almost tempted to get a frosted shower door and have a play :)

Tue, Jun. 12th, 2007, 03:36 am

Fluffy has just died, choking as I tried to help.

She was by the water bottle and making heaving noises, but by the time I got out of bed to help she was already limp and her breathing was slowing, it could have been at most a minute. Her mouth was full of bedding which I did my best to remove but obviously not in time.

It feels awful, watching something die and not being able to help, especially in such a horrible way, and what makes it worse is that with modern veterinary practise I'm sure had I known what to do it wouldn't have been fatal.

I have no idea what to do, like literally, what's the next thing I should do? I've got one very still and super flexible hamster for a start, with open eyes whose internal organs you can feel. I can't really just leave her there.

Ummmmm. If it weren't ten to four in the morning I'd be calling mummy right now :(

/ed: Ok, it's now ten past six and I'm in much the same position. I've had some suggestions like - plastic bag -> bin, freezer -> burial in Essex, rocket motor + explosive charge, but I dunno, it's weird like if I just sit here and don't do anything then it might just be all right :(

I'll phone father when he gets up in half an hour and ask for advice.

In a semi-related mind tangent, I realised I don't have a scalpel and so have one coming in the post (useful for electronics). I'm almost concerned with the ease of which one can buy very very sharp knives on the Internet with absolutely no checks and no communication with another person. Also, I never realised needles were so cheap, < £3 for 100. Actually, it appears there's a lot of scary stuff you can buy quite freely on-line.

Fri, Jun. 8th, 2007, 06:53 pm

So bored... I asked the Internet if anyone would like to go out in Colchester tonight and Tracy, a single mum of 3 asked me to the local Rollerworld.

Is this what it's come to?

If anyone sees any nice houses for sale in Southend, please give me a shout - it's moving time.

Sun, May. 27th, 2007, 11:38 pm

Nipple piercing.
Yes or no?

It's probably just boredom talking...
Reason left earlier for the bank holiday break...

Tue, May. 22nd, 2007, 04:14 pm

I'm going to Camden tomorrow (Wednesday 23rd) afternoon. Coming?

Sat, May. 12th, 2007, 02:33 am

Ummm... so it's half 2 in the morning and I left the 80s club at dead on midnight.

This means I've spent at least 2 hours talking to my parents about girls, sex, hypnosis and psychology.

I'm the most drunk I've ever been in front of my parents and what worries me is I've just given mother a full psycho-analysis of her closest family including why both her brothers have unstable lives and why her tarot reading and telepathic links with family members are more likely to be pure coincidence.

This shit is cracked up... I don't even want to think about what I said relating to the photo Ell took of me with some random girl.

This is definitely not supposed to happen :p

/edit (2:50am) - My dad came to pick me up and stood on the high street. As I left the club to walk to where I thought he was picking me up, he came towards me in a dark coat and hat. I didn't have my contacts in. I thought my dad was a drug dealer and treated him as such. I gave the standard answer "it doesn't matter mate" (you should always answer a dealer or chav like this if you want to avoid trouble), he called me a blind [bastard?] and I could tell I could have done better ;)

Thu, May. 10th, 2007, 01:59 pm
Live @ Rock-am-Ring, 2006...

Just bought this year's hair dye :)

/ed: Blimey! RaR's HUUUUGE!

Mon, Apr. 30th, 2007, 07:56 pm

London's only naked nightclub... Interesting invite... Almost tempted ;)

Though if TG was anything to go by, bare skin + club = scratched and bruised :(

So, I went home at the weekend and was treated to the following gem of a quote from mother:
"I suppose we'll be dead by the time we get grandchildren"
It might have been a bit strong to answer with "if you keep on", but sometimes I really wonder if they think before winding me up...

Thu, Apr. 26th, 2007, 10:14 pm
Seal or no Seal

I present a hypothetical daytime game show, "Seal or no Seal". In the show a contestant selects one of 22 boxes and members of the panel select the others. One of the boxes contains a seal, the others contain various sea creatures of lesser value. The object of the game is to end up with the seal.

Throughout the game, interruptions to the game play are made by a fishmonger who will attempt to 'buy' the contestant off with sums of money, ice and discounts at his friend's shop, the butchers.

Let us assume that the game has been in progress for some time now and our contestant George has a choice between his box and his friend Sharky's. George hasn't found the seal yet and it's a 50/50 gamble between a seal and some trout.

It seems like a 50/50 gamble, but is it really? At the beginning of the game, George had a one in 22 chance of picking the seal (1/22). We know 20 of the boxes contain no seal, as they have now gone from the game. Sharky therefore has a 21/22 (95%) chance of having picked the seal.

George should change his mind and pick Sharky's box. (really?)

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